Celeste on Sobriety

Our ego is the sense of self that is constructed over a lifetime of experiences - our internal narrative, and one which is rarely based in reality. Many of us who have experienced trauma go through life playing the role of the victim, with our wounded ego reacting to most situations with anger, resentment and a further entrenched belief that we are ‘other than’ and separate from others.  The world and everyone in it is out to get us and everything is perceived as a personal attack on our existence. No one has suffered in this life quite like we have. ‘If you had my life, you would drink too.’ Sound familiar? We react by isolating ourselves as a way of self-preservation in an often hostile world, until one day we discover that magic elixir - our substance(s) or behaviours of choice - a way of quieting the pain of the wounded ego, and for many of us, an opportunity to at least appear functional.  We drink, smoke, inject, inhale and whatever else in response to difficult emotio...

This is one of the more difficult pieces I have chosen to write, but as I was pulling together content in preparation for National Domestic Violence Awareness Month and reading about other people's experiences, it became clear to me I had my own story to tell, and what better time than now? Not only because I am reflecting on a time when the world around me felt hostile and frightening, but also because I am still unable to fully reconcile the loving, affectionate father I doted on (and who doted on me in return) with the violent, unpredictable bully he sometimes turned into. I never knew which dad I would get, and I often found myself walking on eggshells, even when he was in a good mood, for fear of something setting him off. I never knew how long the good mood would last and so never took it for granted when this was the case. On a good day he was the best dad in the world. On a bad day he was terrifying. I loved, and still love my dad fiercely. But I also know that what he did...