LETTING GO OF EGO AND NURTURING HUMILITY

Our ego is the sense of self that is constructed over a lifetime of experiences - our internal narrative, and one which is rarely based in reality.

Many of us who have experienced trauma go through life playing the role of the victim, with our wounded ego reacting to most situations with anger, resentment and a further entrenched belief that we are ‘other than’ and separate from others.  The world and everyone in it is out to get us and everything is perceived as a personal attack on our existence. No one has suffered in this life quite like we have. ‘If you had my life, you would drink too.’ Sound familiar?

We react by isolating ourselves as a way of self-preservation in an often hostile world, until one day we discover that magic elixir - our substance(s) or behaviours of choice - a way of quieting the pain of the wounded ego, and for many of us, an opportunity to at least appear functional.  We drink, smoke, inject, inhale and whatever else in response to difficult emotions and they go away. It works! For a while. Until we find that the very thing that helped us survive has turned on us. 

Eventually, it stops working, but our want has turned into a need, even in the face of the knowledge that our lives have become unmanageable. And so we carry on. 

This is the progression of addiction. 

I’ll admit, this might be the most simplified explanation of the relationship between ego and addiction that has ever been written, but for those of us in recovery (or indeed, still in the throes of active addiction) it doesn't really need to be any more complex. 

Left untreated, the progressive disease of addiction will eventually bring about our demise, unless we become aware of, and take steps to quieten our ego. 

If all we do is put the drink down without working on our emotional sobriety, then we are simply an addict who hasn’t had a drink or drug. There is no mental defense between us and the first drink. Relapse is practically inevitable if our ego is left unchecked.  

It is our natural instinct even in recovery to want to protect our pride, to drift back into victim mentality; to isolate and hold on to resentments - nurturing them until we convince ourselves once again that we are the ones who have been wronged, while failing to look at our part to play (inflated ego). A return to self-pity (self-centred ego). A return to nursing our hurt pride (bruised ego). A return to needing something to take the edge off. And sadly for many, an eventual return to active addiction. 

By doing the work in recovery, and beginning to recognise where ego plays a role in our behaviour, we can stop the past from repeating itself, and move towards a more humble, outward-focussed existence. 

The opposite of ego is humility, which we must develop in order to avoid a situation where we may be physically abstinent but are still exhibiting the negative traits of addiction (the ‘ism’ of ‘Insecure, Selfish Me’) - in other words, ‘dry drunk’. We white-knuckle our way through sobriety, not realising that the part of us that requires a profound shift in perspective is our thinking - our perception of the world around us and how we interpret our place within it. The narrative our ego spins. 

We need to accept that the universe does not revolve around us. That when things don’t go our way, it isn’t a personal slight on us as much as it might feel like it.

"True humility is not thinking less of yourself; 

it is think of yourself less."

My first lesson in humility was the acceptance that my way was not working, that no matter how much I learned about addiction - however many books I read or qualifications I gained. I was humbled by the realisation that it was time for me to let go of everything I thought I knew and listen.  No amount of reading or academic knowledge of addiction was going to provide me with the magic cure I was so desperately seeking. All this did was fulfil the pretence that my problem could be solved intellectually, or by exerting my willpower, when what I really needed was to drop my pride and try another way, with humility. 

So how can we begin to nurture humility in our everyday lives?

DEVELOP SELF AWARENESS

We are all inherently egocentric, in that we will always initially see things from our vantage point - which is influenced by our experiences, beliefs, identities and biases. However, we can challenge these by looking at situations from different perspectives, and being willing to  admit when we are wrong. 

We will always be vulnerable to getting our feelings hurt, or not getting our needs met - this is just a fact of life, whether we are in recovery or not! Being aware of our pride and responding rather than reacting is something we can learn with time and practice. 

"Reacting is reflexive.

Responding is informed.

Reacting arises from a wound-driven state.

Responding arises from a purpose-driven state.

Which one serves your higher purpose?"

CARE LESS ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK 

What other people think about us is none of our business. Our ego places so much value on how others perceive us - being liked validates us and makes us feel a part of something. Our pride may be satiated but we can find ourselves selling ourselves short in order to be liked. This can be dangerous in recovery, as not everyone is going to have our best interests at heart.

Simply accepting that not everyone will like us (or the fact that we are in recovery), and remembering that we won't like everyone else in return can give us the freedom to spend our time and energy on people who do like us!

LET GO OF CONTROL 

It is often said that we cannot control people, places or situations but it is easy to forget this when going about our daily life. In trying to control things that we can’t do anything about, we run the risk of harbouring resentments when things inevitably end up not going our way. 

This could be something small such as being stuck in traffic when we are already running late, to bigger issues such as going through a divorce or the breakdown of a relationship. 

By being self aware and caring less about what others think, we can take a step back, take a deep breath and let it go. We can move on with our day, rather than being held back by our pride.